Psychosis of Dreams

LEANDRUL - Psychosis of Dreams (Album Teaser)

Psychosis of Dreams

by Leandrul

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Drew Music I understand that it's entirely too early to level such weighty accusations, but nonetheless I genuinely suspect that Psychosis of Dreams might now be my single favorite album, like ever. To be fair, the last champion only held the title for 14 years, like a quitter.

	/

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Limited Edition cassette of the FULL LENGTH album. Choose your tape color (clear, transparent green, or solid purple). Comes with album art and lyrics on a 5-panel J card (80 lb. card stock). Only 33 tapes made in each color!

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1.	2010 02:34	lyrics	buy track
You don’t understand You don’t think I am enough to love, to love the sad breaking of bones just to feel reality In this psychosis of dreams, if only I could see And the pain that I weep turns red in my sleep And smoothness is torn by blade and by burn I know how it works I’ve written my last words And all that’s left is to try And no one can blame me for trying And no one can blame me for trying
2.	Broad Hall 02:38	lyrics	buy track
Calm down, calm down Calm down, calm down Calm down Feels like, feels like Feels like I’m drowning Feels like, feels like Feels like Feels like I can’t breathe Clinging on to another so I won’t so I won’t hurt myself hurt myself I try to calm down, but there’s no way around They’re coming for me— It triggers a memory Memories trigger memories trigger psychosis of dreams if only I could just see There’s no escaping from me I’m in a place I call misery Feels like, feels like Feels like I’m drowning Feels like, feels like Feels like I can’t breathe Feels like, feels like Feels like I’m
3.	Interim 05:02 video	lyrics	buy track
I’m sure that I know so dance with me slow last time then it’s done Death by Nerium do you have a cure? and can you say you’re sure? and would it be okay if I left and you stayed? dreams that I sung as the sun slowly died my heart had ceased once controlled by my mind the graceful ever suffering blood to the heart once the light filled the sky honesty, purify me toxic dream, I’m so tired dance with me though I am bound justify cutting flowers I’ve arrived: these final hours I’m asleep… falling falling above the sea psychotic mess it’s my interim between the stars and black softly walk and spin I feel all I lack do you have a cure? and can you say you’re sure? and would it be okay— if left and you stayed? torture me, ’cause I deserve it gone to seed, no, I don’t fit laughing stock; the joke’s on me terrified, I think it’s over I’ve arrived: these final hours I’ve arrived: these final hours I’ve arrived: these final hours
4.	Death By Nerium 05:22	lyrics	buy track
Last night the stars talked I know now what they meant when they said that life and death really aren’t so different to begin is to end My world. My shadow will fade, you’ll see All around this city grows a type of tree Its flowers can kill you or even just a leaf It’s understood that I’m lost I swear I swear I don’t remember leaving traces left by the heart heart speed
5.	Theme {Crown} 01:44	lyrics	buy track
Dreams that I sung as the sun slowly died My heart had ceased once controlled by my mind The graceful ever suffering Blood to the heart once the light filled the sky
6.	Borderline 04:40	lyrics	buy track
on the back of my soul bleeding from all the guilt circle, spinning, spiral, hinging never letting go rushing, raging, hating, killing never letting go in the back of my mind something hides in my brain lines hurting, breaking, painful, shaking watching it go slow vacant ribcage, torture, subspace watching it go Borderline If life is just a game then I don’t think I wanna play I’m weaker and emotional They all think I’m insane What’s the use in being brave if humans will always cave? The challenge is to stay alive but oh, how slowly times goes by don’t want to give up on this but my mind is playing tricks blackness, heartless, brutal, soundless everything is cold shameful, loveless, doubting, silence everything is cold psychosis: I’m in my darkest, deepest holy hour dreaming of a better time, but maybe I’m fine in between neurosis and psychosis I’m alive my muted soul is trying not to cry
7.	Holiness 03:43	lyrics	buy track
Pain kills us all Fear breaks the fall And when I sinned I confessed That I gave up life for death You met me in the church The closest thing to Heaven on Earth And when I told you what I did You said: “pray and take some medicine” He’s the reason I pushed too far He’s no remedy for a broken heart And since He filled me there is nothing left Except a hole in his holiness Faith is a hoax Flames without smoke With all my guilt I’m obsessed With begging Him for forgiveness I left His chapel with burns It was the closest place to Hell on this Earth And when I took my medicine, I threw my prayers to the wind
8.	August 05:35	lyrics	buy track
I lost my head in August I fell from grace, couldn’t be my mother’s daughter anymore Was it the race? The chase that never seems to end Was this the plan? To ache and ache but never ever mend? for a while, my soul had disconnected from my brain for a while I could hear myself calling my own name coming home was painful and psychotic like the blades I took to slide through all the skin I had disowned For these scars will I ever ever ever be atoned? I took to writing pages The words I write dance around me like a million silhouettes Clean white sheets-ones just like Mother always spreads To fall asleep is to never let this reverie end for a while, my soul had disconnected from my brain for a while I could hear myself calling my own name coming home was painful and psychotic like the blades I took to fly through all the skin I had disowned For these scars will I ever ever ever be atoned?
9.	Atoned 01:28	lyrics	buy track
for a while my soul had disconnected from my brain and for a while I could hear myself calling my own name Coming home was painful and psychotic Like the blades I took to slide through al the skin I had disowned for these scars will I ever ever ever be atoned?
10.	Electroconvulsive Memory 04:52	lyrics	buy track
Time (wake up, I’m all shaken up) I think I lost something memory, sweet memory I wasn’t day dreaming overdose, comatose watch like a memory watch like a silver screen I can’t remember anything— they got me pulled like I’m a string I barely caught your name- was it Samantha or Alexa you know I trust and hope that I pray to God that there isn’t a God Oh, how I pray to God that there isn’t a God That there isn’t, there isn’t, no there isn’t Do you know what it’s like to be so young and dull-eyed? Electro-brain wipes clean everything No you don’t know what it’s like to have your brain fried? the world is melting fast climate change, growing pains I’ll wish upon a star they’ve found a cure, they know for sure There was one too many reasons there were way too many hopes and dreams Depression makes me fall asleep I wonder if I’ll make the leap over the great abyss where the demons cry, where I’d wipe their eyes you know I trust and hope that I pray to God that there isn’t a God Oh, how I pray to God that there isn’t a God That there isn’t, there isn’t, no there isn’t Do you know what it’s like to be so young and dull-eyed? Electro-brain wipes clean everything No you don’t know what it’s like to have your brain fried
11.	Therapy 03:50	lyrics	buy track
Give me a life to live One not like this If I plunge into the depths of time will you hold my line? I’ll paint for you a picture that won’t be pretty I’ll talk to you ’cause maybe there’s something I’m missing I’m in this dark wave I asked myself today: Would I be okay if life stayed this way? I’ve been scared of heart ache A lonely view for one my window is slowly cracking It seems as though I’m done with things that have to do with living I’m drowning in my mind I ask myself at night: Are the stars that shine simply outdated light? I’m so scarred of heart ache All my bitter mistakes I don’t know what to say I could go or run away I wanna sink, touch the ground It’s the same as if I drown It’s my heart, it’s so small beating fast and then it falls I have a brain, I thought I knew— I cannot bear that I never grew And when they say that there’s a cure I close my eyes ’cause I’m not sure
12.	Saved By Lizzy's Taste In Music 03:11	lyrics	buy track
Saved I had a wild heart On a Tuesday night We used to come up Just to feel the rush, always craving to be touched How things have changed but the memories stuck I don’t need to get high Just to feel the music So I’ll stay by her side And trail off into another life I just like her taste May that list that she picked always play Skrillex and Mord Fustang Levels I wanna dance to Deadmau5 I need a death kiss Just to feel the rush, always craving the next touch Yeah things have changed but the memories stuck I don’t need to get high Just to feel the music So I’ll stay by her side And trail off into another life I just like her taste May that list that she picked always play
13.	Molecules of Past Lives 04:26	lyrics	buy track
born to die decay fuels life atoms are recycled shamelessly thoughts are just cranial chemistry emotions are bi-products of mental stimuli Even so, I’ll admit feeling things is why I’m still alive I know everything’s void of meaning everything’s a construct and a complicated lie but I’m gonna dream that I’m more than just molecules of past lives nevermore I’ll bleed Come chase me with heart speed Death triggered my force of life wonderful emptiness revel in my very own insanity thoughts go quick, imagining endlessly I broke my soul at midnight But somehow I am whole by first light how I survived makes me cry my ability to feel has saved my life
14.	Theme {Heart} 02:07	lyrics	buy track
Dreams that I sung as the sun slowly died My heart had ceased once controlled by my mind The graceful ever suffering Blood to the heart once the light filled the sky
15.	Brokenbird 03:05	lyrics	buy track
(You’re my only friend, my only friend, you’re my) You’re my only friend And you’re my loneliness All I have is what I made you out to be in my troubled head I let you think that you tore the feathers from my wings but Don’t call me broken— after all, I can sing I made mistakes that I didn’t know were wrong I never told you sorry I know I waited too long
16.	Psychosis of Dreams 03:27	lyrics	buy track
You don’t understand You don’t think I am enough to love, to love the sad breaking of bones just to feel reality In this psychosis of dreams, if only I could see And the pain that I weep turns red in my sleep And smoothness is torn by blade and by burn I know how it works I’ve written my last word And all that’s left is to try And no one can blame me for trying And no one can blame me for trying
17.	Redemption 07:18	lyrics	buy track
Clear my throat, sing, hope for the day when you will hear me Lock but no key You don’t understand You don’t think I am Enough to love To love Shut my eyes drip, smile Call me weakness incarnate try too hard: care, love Call me weakness incarnate pouring rain games a natural born pariah Clear my throat Sing, hope That one day you might hear me Open wide, Teeth bite Trust in strength over terror Slightest shift slam, rip Pieces fall into their places Desert wind, empty feels so good to be alone Clear my throat sing, hope For the day when you will hear me Is there redemption If redemption was beauty I found redemption When faced with A lock but no key Now I can see my Psychosis of dreams Is there redemption- Redemption for someone like me?

about

For my mom and dad.

I just thought the world would be a better place if it knew.
I have done nothing and everything.
I could only take the pain I was given.
And I can only give my truth for what it is worth.

This album—regardless of its consequential affects (or lack of)—is merely an experience I wanted to share. It could be nothing more or less.
For all the people over the years who told me I have a gift, a talent, a purpose…Psychosis of Dreams is a reflection of them and their kind words doled out to my sun burnt face at Venice Beach. I do not think I was ever in isolation from the world when it came to writing this work. I believe the meaning of this album is arbitrarily fashioned, much like my ability to sing. I was not the one who bestowed this ability, it came from something other than myself. The noises and sounds from my heart and head are really just impressions of the world I’m surrounded by. And while I have been assailed off and on by beauty and sorrow in this lonely home in our universe, it is clear to me that things will always be this way. The chaotic and traumatic nature of existence gives purpose to experiencing the extremities of the human emotional spectrum, in turn providing an opportunity to contemplate on what is most important in life. But even when the axioms are found—the precious findings illuminated, these mean nothing in the face of death. And so I try to cope with death by infusing meaning into life, and I commit myself to the belief that love is what makes life worth living. It is an honorable pursuit to understand the meaninglessness of life and yet be moved by its gravity. And though death approaches unyieldingly, conquering all that is futile in this tragic loss of time and space—love, defiance, and evolution reign over the living and the hearts still beating. For this I am eternally grateful.

credits

released March 5, 2021

All songs written, recorded and produced by Leandrul.
Artwork by Crosby and Bram.

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about

Leandrul Seattle, Washington

Leandrul is another word for Oleander, a poisonous shrub that grows commonly all over southern California, where Crosby Morgan (aka Leandrul) grew up. Written, recorded, produced, and performed solely on her own in Seattle, Morgan's music is energetic and cathartic. She is currently focusing on staying mentally healthy & writing her next album, Choose.

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leandrul.com

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